Right so today I did the best Girl Scout deed ever.  My grandparents are moving from their house, so I thought- ok... I have the day off, let me go with my mom and help pack some stuff up and get the house ready for a realtor.

So I go, unknowingly signing my soul away.

When we get there, Mom says that we'll be attacking the kitchen.  Good idea, right?  Ooooh, you don't know my Grandmother.  I love her to death but the woman is an utter pack rat.  14 years of junk lined the pantry... waiting to be discovered.  Oh how I hate the task of the explorer. 

I offer a brave, reassuring smile... gallantly step toward the doors... I cringe and shudder- the cabinet is at least 5 feet wide, 3 feet deep and 6 and a half feet high.  I take one last look at my mother... I'll miss her.  In a frightened gesture, I yank the accordian doors and am immediately burried in an avalanche of canned goods, boxes of cereal, plastic grocery bags and other miscellaneous pantry monsters... ooh God, is that a dog collar??  It is- and it would be no big deal... IF MY GRANDPARENTS OWNED A DOG.

Organization, and decluttering- that's key.  My recommendation to those brave enough to attempt a move like this would be to take everything out of the cabinet and then restock, throwing away unnecessary items in the process.  That's a natural maneuver- right?  Not for Grandma. 

"Oh, these are good... don't throw these away!!"  She scolds, holding up an individual package of half-eaten crackers.

"Gram- you aren't serious?"  I watch in horror as she puts them in a ziplock baggy and tosses them with the 4 other boxes of crackers.  Just keep working- I tell myself- just push through.

And I do, through a year's supply of home tile cleaners and ant repellent.  She better have some big ass carpenter ants for the amount of poison she has in that cabinet- I'm telling you.  For the most part, I keep my mouth shut- and my mother does the same.  After all, it's her food and her cleaner- she paid for it.  Who am I to tell her to throw it away? 

That is until I see her trying to revive and repackage some old strawberry licorice...  

"For God's sake, Grandma- throw it away!!  You cannot even consider keeping this... it's like concrete.. not to mention a health violation!!"  Her response:

"I like hard candy."  I groan and wait until she's out of the room before throwing it away.  Out of sight, out of stomach- I don't need to be held responsible for my grandmother's death from food poisoning.

My mother and I continue to work the smoke and mirrors necessary to rearrange a pantry (aka, small room) successfully without throwing much (anything) away.  We're doing well, but it isn't easy- especially since Grandma is just under 5 feet tall and needs her regular food staples to be within reach... and just the right height too- she can't really bend.

Ahh, but I love a challenge.

And while we're at it, here's a theory for you: when hard mints and other candies start to melt and gel inside the wrapper- it's time to throw them away, right??

"No no- put them in this container- some people like them that way."

Which people??  Not sane people... that's for damn sure- and that one's actually moving... I need air. 
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Ahh, better.  Onto another shelf.  The bottom of the cabinet is now full of cooking spices and freezer bags/garbage bags... all that kind of stuff... to the right is all of the chemical cleaner known to man.  And a few things that as of yet are undiscovered.  But that's for another day, really.  My mom and I can only take so much at a time.

So canned goods- that's where it's at.  Even now, I can't really comprehend the copious amounts of nonperishables found at Grandma's.  It's very clear why our local grocery store went out of business-- she single-handedly purchased all their inventory. 

How many cans of garbonzo beans can 2 people consume, anyway??  I know it's not 20, which was the last count I have on record.  In fact... now that I think about it- most of it was beans and other high fiber veggies- I am really glad I don't occupy that house at night...

We keep working, we keep trucking- we're making headway- oh the light is at the end of the tunnel yet!!  Until I discover a lifetime supply of pasta.  What sweepstakes did she win that earned her all these carbs?  Yea... didn't think so- she bought those... "ya know" she says "just in case". 

And the only thing worse than the pasta supply is the rice supply... they'd really be in business if they ran track.  But they're in their late 60s!!  The only thing that runs in that house is the electric- and maybe the ants, if they got a look at the bottom of that pantry.

There was even a point in time where I had to insist on throwing a bag of rice away.  If you can even call it that.  It was like 4 tablespoons of rice in a bag with a twist-tie.  A hearty meal for anyone, right?  Give me a break!!

Yet despite these setbacks, we work- we sweat- we conquer the demons in the pantry.  It looks brand-spanking-new... albeit fully stocked for the duration of their lives. 

My mom and I smile in satisfaction- we totally rule.  My grandmother agrees- it looks damn good.

"Now should we go in the washroom?"  She asks, wide-eyed.

My mother and I look at each other.  "Why?"

Grandmother laughs... "Because that's where I keep the food that won't fit in the pantry, of course."

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Oh my goodness! I am still laughing! I nearly fell on the floor, and threatened to wet my pants. I read this out loud to David and he was LOL too! I have to ask, have you ever heard of Erma Bombeck? She's one of my favorites... You could publish your stuff, and I bet it would sell too!

Oh yeah, this entry reminds me of my Aunt Joan. She had so much old and nearly moldy food stored in her pantry, for that "someday..." She ate out at restaurants all the time though. Never got to use the stuff in the pantry. When she passed away, my father wanted me to take her old food, and feed it to my family. Some of it made us sick, and then I started phoning the manufacturers to find out just how old that jar of jelly was. The label is marked 1976, and they don't list the nutritional facts anywhere. We are saving as a keepsake, for the label.

Lol thanks Gayle!! I love Erma Bombeck, and am flattered to be compared to her. In fact, my father just made a comment like that the other day (he still laughs at that Independence Day post, even though it was about him). The jelly thing is funny too... more funny I think, if I hadn't just experienced this with my own Grandma today... I'm still a little disturbed. Take care!!

So, you come from a family of horders too, hey? Know what that's like! This had me in stitches, babe. With a family like this you need never search for journal entry topics again!