So I did come back from my mini-vacation on Monday.  And I would have written sooner, but it took 4 days just to rehydrate.

Orlando is a death trap for anyone adversely affected by heat.  Universal Studios in and of itself was cool, but that's just because any legit theme park (that means NO traveling carnivals with suspicious looking outlaws who run the rusty attractions) looks cool.

A theme park is supposed to be a place that's physically appealing, physically exhausting, expensive as all hell, and memorable.  It is NOT supposed to be a shoddy attempt at fun set up in a Wal-Mart parking lot for the duration of 3 weeks.  There should be no paraplegic guys named Bubba who operate the Yo-Yo. 

And if there's an "educational" trailer set up in the back that houses a zombie-faced, practically-comatose man cleverly (if not endearingly) named Stoney who is unfeelingly put on display to teach you the consequences of hard drug-use...

... then you're not at a theme park so much as you are at the carnival I visited as a 10 year old child.

Stoney scared the hell out of me then, and he haunts me now.  I think it had something to do with the chicken wire that surrounded the entire trailer and the Mission Statement that the carnival was in no way responsible for anything Stoney might do to me during my tour of his pathetic existance.

No, what we went to was the real deal as far as theme parks go.

But you know, people have a tendency to forget the hardships of a place as innocuous as Islands of Adventure or even the timeless Magic Kingdom.

I'm talking about the endless walking to the entrance of the park.  Then, the endless walking to the actual attraction, then the 90-to-120 minute wait in line for the attraction, and finally the 3-5 minute attraction itself that frankly leaves you just a little disenchanted.

And these people try to trick you, too.  Example: Spiderman 3D.  My family and I went on that one together.  We were actually excited because it was the first attraction we would be going on, and the wait was supposed to be only 30 minutes.  Unusual, but it also had something to do with the park just opening.

Naturally, 45 minutes into the wait and we couldn't even see the physical ride yet, just more lines.  Clever little bastards, too.  They have 5 rooms that you have to walk through before you get to the ride... and you cannot see a new room until you've literally walked through the last one. 

So it leaves you guessing.  Is this or isn't this the last room?  Am I even close to the ride yet?  Why can't I feel my legs?

All appropriate questions when waiting on-line at a theme park.

Be warned, all that time in line forces you to actually talk to the people you're with, and conversation will ensue.

Take this little exchange between my mother and me.

"Jess, you promise this ride isn't fast or jerky?"

"Mom, the last time I was here I was 12, but as I remember, you wear 3D glasses, and it's mostly virtual reality."

"So you don't move?"

"Obviously you move, or it wouldn't be a ride."

"You don't move fast then?"

"Well, the height requirement is only 36 inches, so I'm guessing no."

----------

And she's satisfied with that.  Of course the only possible outcome from this experience is that we get on the ride, it's a lot more jerky-spinny-roller coaster-y than I remember, and my mother is convinced I did that on purpose, just to spite her.

I did specify that the last time I was here I wore my hair in braids, was in a Girl Scout troop and still ate from a Kid's Menu, but does that mean anything?  No.  I'm expected to have the memory of an elephant just the same.

But how on earth can anyone go to a theme park when they come off The Cat in the Hat ride feeling queezy and jelly-legged?

You'll have to talk to my mother about that one.  For now though, I'm going to cut this... short?- BELIEVE you me I have some incredible journal-ammo.  To completely use it all now would be so anticlimactic and very very unfriendly to the eyes.

I don't want to be the cause of headache. 

Then where are the parapalegic guys named Bubba supposed to work?

I knew there was a reason I didnt like theme parks and this entry just confirmed it! Glad to hear you survived the ordeal, tho maybe the relationship between your mother and yourself took a bit of a shot. Thanks for stoppin in and have yourself a GREAT WEEKEND!

I think I've met Bubba and Stoney!

Well, considering that 1) I can't stand heat, and 2) I don't like theme parks, I don't think I would have particularly liked it there.

But I hope you did.

Hey, by the way. It's been a while, hasn't it? I decided I'd come and check up on you and things. Nice to see you're still journalling. Keep it up!

Have a great rest of the weekend!

Will
----

Geez, those lines sound WAY TOO LONG for me! Too bad, kind of ruins the fun, all that standing around. Glad you Mom survived! .
I've been to lots of "Carnivals". If you smile at Stoney, he'll make the ride longer, and you might even let you stay on for the next round.
Have a most excellent day Ms. L!

Gee thanks.
It's not even 7:30am here and you've already worn me out.
{Note to self: Only visit this blog at night just before bedtime. Who cares if I get exhausted then?}

Nice comments, Great writing (as usual)! I miss talking to you and wish I could go do something fun like that. I'm glad you survived, and that all is well again. Explains why you're sleeping.

Take care.

Several anectdotal stories come to mind regarding the long lines at Orlando theme parks . . But I'll just share this ONE (for now)

At a recent trip to Disney World, we were doging the ubiquitous thunder storms, and we were armed with the requisite foul weather gear . . in our case, it amounted to some scrounged up trash can liners and an old umbrella that I found discarded. Now, this umbrella functioned perfectly except for one minor flaw, which upon discovery, shed light on the reason an apparrently perfectly good umbrella had been ditched. When you pressed the button to open it, the latch to stop the shaft extension from seperating from the handle was missing. SO . .when it opened, you had to have one hand on the upper part as it opened or else the shaft would come apart, the hooked handle seperating from the cloth part.

As fate would have it, we resigned ourselves to get in a VERY long line for Splash Mountain. That in itself would have been bad enough, as the blazing sun pounded down upon us, but something even worse happened.
I was holding my defective umbrella with the handle up, and inadvertently grazed the release button against some unseen object, releasing the catch on the spring loaded handle. Well, to my horror, since I was holding the upper, fabric part of the device, it resulted in the hooked handle being projected like a cross bow at the poor woman in the adjacent isle, striking her squarely in the jaw . .
Now . .the skin wasn't broken, but she screamed at the unprovoked attack, and as I apologized profusely, a cherry red lump quickly appeared on her fair skin.
For the next 45 minutes, I had to invent creative ways of avoiding eye contact with this poor woman as we weaved our way EVER so slowly into the ride. The longer it took, the worse it got, because by then, my brother thought it was becoming rather amusing . . .to the point that both of us began to crack up every time our paths crossed hers. We were trying desperately not to

I had no idea there was a text limit! . . *sigh* Ahh well . . we'll save the ending for some other time perhaps?

Your journal is interesting.
" Have a nice day na ja! Miss U "
Bye
Bela


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